What is compassion and what is not?

What does it mean to be compassion-ish?

What does it mean to be compassion-ish and how is that different from true compassion? I’ve been practicing and teaching Meditation and providing Compassion training for many years, and I’d been struggling to get some of my co-workers and my patients on board with the practice of compassion and self compassion. Research has shown that when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down which helps bring in relaxation, we secrete the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of pleasure light up.

With so much information coming out about the benefits of genuine compassion, why was there still such resistance or is it even compassion fatigue? I know coming from a place of compassion is a strong and powerful act. But it seemed that many people thought of compassion as weak. I heard things like, “You gotta be tough.” “Being nice doesn’t help.” “You will let people walk all over you.”

Then I came across the term “Idiot Compassion” and realized this is what many people think of when they think of Compassion. Chogyam Trungpa is usually credited with the phrase “Idiot Compassion” but he may have borrowed it from George Gurdjieff, a spiritual teacher from the 20th century, who made a list of many kinds of idiots. He thought humans are all at least one kind of idiot and he listed “the compassionate idiot” as just one kind.

I’ve found it to be a wonderful exploration for me to consistently hold my compassion practice up to the light and compare it to the idea “idiot compassion”. Here are some of the things that really sparked an interest in me and keep me wanting to dive deeper.

What is Idiot Compassion (Compassion-ish)

Idiot compassion is a pretty harsh term, but I love that there is a label for something I’ve been feeling, because I now have a language to discuss it with others. Maybe we can come up with a different name though, like compassion-ish. The person practicing compassion who slips into “Idiot compassion” is still walking a path that is commendable. If they diverge a bit at times, they are still heading in a good direction. I hope all of us that are on this path hold ourselves, and each other, with kindness when we stray a bit.

Pema Chodron states, “[Idiot compassion] (call it compassion-ish with me, if you’d like) refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it’s what’s called enabling.” Bodhipaksa says “Idiot compassion is avoiding conflict, letting people walk all over you, not giving people a hard time when actually they need to be given a hard time. It’s ‘being nice,’ or ‘being good.’ True compassion does not shy away from causing pain when necessary. Causing pain is not the same as causing harm.” (Bodhipaksa, 2013)

Compassion Vs. Idiot Compassion (Compassion-ish)

To see the power of having a compassion practice, it is wise to really know at a deep level compassion, idiot compassion and the difference between the two.

The compassion definition says that compassion is the willingness to be with suffering, the desire to relieve suffering and the willingness to take action. The key here is that this comes from a place of mindful presence. Mindfulness is what brings skill to acts of compassion.

Compassion is the strength to be with the suffering and being willing to take action if this is the skillful thing to do in the moment. Idiot compassion is taking action by giving someone what they want because you can’t take the negative feeling of seeing them suffer. You are not actually giving them what they need. You are just trying to get away from your difficult feelings. Feelings of helplessness may come up. You may be fighting the desire to feel needed, seen as a savior, wanting to be liked, or wanting to keep the peace.

Working with Addiction

As I’m working with people struggling with addictions, this comes up in me a lot and I see the struggle for loved ones and family members. As a nurse and compassionate person, I want to comfort and decrease pain, help with negative emotions, so not doing something in the moment to decrease immediate pain can be difficult. Buddha is credited with saying “There is suffering that leads to more suffering and there is suffering that leads to the end of suffering.” I know that if I can sit with my patients through the immediate suffering of withdrawal and honor the physical and emotional pain with true compassion and unconditional love, they have a better chance of ending some of their long-term suffering. If I give in to their immediate needs, I am enabling the suffering of addiction to continue.

This idiot compassion (being compassion-ish) also stems from not having enough strength to say “No”. A family member who continues to loan money, purchase drugs and alcohol, cover up the problem, or avoid the difficult discussion of addiction is really only being superficially caring. Being willing to step up and engage in the conflict that will rise when issues are confronted is a true act of compassion.

Compassion in End-of-Life Care

I also struggled with distinguishing true compassion when I was a hospice nurse working with people facing end-of-life issues. As a new nurse in hospice, it was hard to fight the mindset of going in and “fixing” the situation. It took a wonderful husband of a woman dying of cancer to sit me down and tell me that what she really needed in the moment was not more tests or medications that would only delay her death for a short time, what she needed was help dying in the way she wanted to die. I wish I had this wisdom before I entered their house, but I used what they taught me in every home I entered after that. My meditation was to understand what the dying person really wanted and not what made me most comfortable.

Navigating Compassionate Responses

Idiot compassion (compassion-ish does not take the whole situation into account. Remember that you are part of the dynamic. If the action taken only temporarily eases someone’s pain but prolongs their suffering, the action may have just been to help you decrease your discomfort and is not true compassion. If the action taken to ease the pain of another increases your suffering, this is not self-compassion.

Real compassion includes wisdom, wisdom to make distinctions. Real compassion involves strength, strength to sit with suffering. Real compassion says, “I will choose to act only on those things that are informed by wisdom and care.” (Ken Wilber) Real compassion asks if our actions will truly help or if they will just perpetuate situations that are unhealthy.

These distinctions are true for self-compassion as well. I often struggle with knowing what is being self-compassionate and what is just being lazy (sloth and torpor). I frequently need to ask myself if I’m being self-compassionate or if I just don’t want to deal with the situation, with feelings that may arise, with looking at habits that aren’t healthy for me.

Mindfulness

Mindful compassion meditation helps make these distinctions between true compassion and compassion-ish. Mindfulness is often described as two wings of a bird. These wings are wisdom and compassion. Idiot compassion is like a bird trying to fly with one wing. Practicing mindfulness helps you make skillful distinctions. The practice of mindfulness is about being in the moment, being with what is, all that is, as it is. With mindful practice you are more able to be with the hard stuff. Being able to be with the hard stuff in a calm and accepting way allows you to investigate it in a non-judgmental, nurturing way. This gives you more clarity to act wisely.

A Healing Practice- Tonglen

Another wonderful practice to help develop great compassion is the practice of Tonglen. This is a practice that originated in India in the 11th century and was brought to Tibet at a time when leprosy was causing many deaths. Meditation masters used the practice to help those who were suffering from the disease and they used the practice to help heal themselves so they could continue to be of service. (Holbrook, 2020)

Tonglen is a practice of “sending and taking”, sending relief with each breath we breathe out and taking in others’ pain with each breath in. In Tonglen practice, we visualize taking in the pain of others with every in-breath and sending out whatever will truly benefit them on the out-breath. Tonglen awakens our compassion and introduces us to a far bigger view of reality. It helps us see the whole situation and to be more skillful. It can be done as a formal meditation practice or in the moment. We can also do Tonglen for all the people just like ourselves—all those who wish to be brave and compassionate but instead are still coming from a place of fear.

The formal practice of Tonglen has four stages:

1. Rest your Mind for a Moment in Stillness

Rest your mind for a moment in a state of openness or stillness. This stage is traditionally called flashing on absolute bodhichitta, awakened heart-mind, or opening to basic spaciousness and clarity.

2. Begin to Visualize and Inhale

Visualize the suffering as completely as you can. Notice the sights, sounds, smells, physical sensations. Feel your heart open. Inhale it fully and imagine you are filtering all the negative energy. You can do this practice for yourself as well as for others. For example, if you are feeling lonely and isolated, you can breathe this in.

3. Exhale and Send out Peace

Visualize sending out and feeling positive energy. Exhale wellbeing for any human being is suffering. To continue the example, if you are feeling lonely and isolated you can breathe out love and connection.

4. Expand Your Compassion

Finally, expand. If you are doing Tonglen for someone you love, extend it out to all those who are in the same situation. Make it bigger than just that one person. Breathe in their pain and send them relief. Tonglen can extend out infinitely.

As you do the practice, your compassion naturally expands over time, and so does your realization that things are not as solid as you thought. You will more clearly be able to take wise action when responding to suffering. There will be more skill in your compassion practice.

Healthy Boundaries

The idea that people who practice true compassion are weak, or let people walk all over them, or avoid conflict is uninformed. Brene Brown’s research has shown that the most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries. The most compassionate people in the world are bad asses that clearly know what is OK and not OK for themselves and insist on these boundaries being maintained. They also respect others’ boundaries and are not compassion-ish.

Remember Compassion is about embracing our common humanity NOT on taking on the world’s pain. True compassion does not take action just to avoid or get rid of pain, respects boundaries, is not enabling, sees the whole picture, faces conflict head on, and takes skillful action when it is called for. True compassion can be nurtured and developed with mindful attention and with bringing in other practices like Tonglen. Compassion is strong and brave.

I wrote this article for a wonderful non-profit organization, Compassion Works for All. You can follow them on their website, facebook, and Instagram.

You may see that coming from a place of true compassion will give you more energy to work with your pain in a skillful way.